‘A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.’ Leo Buscaglia

I have a few memories from my teenage years that still remain crystal clear. One is of a late summer’s afternoon in the kitchen of my family home. The sun was getting low in the sky but there was still enough warmth for the awning to be pulled down outside the west-facing window of the kitchen. Inside it was cool and dark and my mother was at the stove, preparing dinner.

I was in my last year of school. I sat on the edge of the kitchen bench in my pale blue summer dress. I was feeling troubled (a common theme for that time in my life). A friend at school was freezing me out and I wanted my mother’s advice.

My mother was somewhat flippant. Much more thick-skinned than me, she also had the wisdom of years on her side. ‘Just ignore her. It’ll blow over,’ she told me.

I yearned to be able to do that but it seemed to eat away at me.

I can still recall how much it hurt to be subjected to teenage cruelty. On reflection, I was always going to be an easy target. I wasn’t that sure of myself and I’d go to any lengths to fit in and avoid conflict. I suppose for a bully my obvious discomfort was enormously gratifying. It was evidence of her power.

Looking back, it’s easy to see things in a different light. The supposed friend wasn’t a friend at all. She and I had little in common other than being part of a larger group. We wanted completely different things from a friendship and I had quickly made the assumption that I was the one in the wrong.

We are hard-wired to seek a connection with others. For those of us who are more sensitive or who have low self-esteem (as I did for many years), rejection is simply further validation that we’re not good enough.

At the heart of everything we do, is the need to belong. We want to be accepted, to feel loved. We suspect that when we’re not creating those connections that there’s something very wrong with us.

It took me many years to understand that what I had created was a vicious cycle. In order to feel worthy, I needed to believe in myself. And in order to do that, I had to be willing to set boundaries and stand up for myself (even if it meant some conflict or letting go of a friend or two). I needed to make peace with the fact that no matter how much I tried, I would never be able to completely avoid conflict and that there would be some people in life who disliked me regardless of what I did.

Over time I learned to recognise that I was indeed a good friend to others and that it wasn’t just ok for me to be selective about my friendships, it was imperative for my own wellbeing.